Untitled

"I'm fiercely independent, but I'm terrified of being alone." - Adam Levine

I quote that not because I have a huge crush on Adam Levine, or because Maroon 5 is going to perform in Jakarta this week. It's simply because it's true, he said what's exactly crossed my mind nowadays.

This blog post is called Untitled, because I actually have a lot of things in mind that I want to elaborate and write in here and I don't know exactly the point of this. I just want to write it down.

A dear friend told me that her recent medical check up shows bad results. She has myom on her uterus and cyst on both of her ovarium. They're big and many of them, it's bad, it's just bad. Doctor said it can be removed but it means that she has to loose her uterus and ovarium. She hasn't been married, for God's sake, and she's in her mid twenties. She choosed to try alternative medicine first, because however, she does want to have children one day. And she's afraid that nobody will ever want to marry her if she can't have children.

At some point, it got me thinking. So here is the harsh truth. My last medical checked up wasn't good either. The doctor detected cyst on one of my ovarium, but it's small. Doctor said there's nothing to be worried about, I just have to check it again, once in every 3 months, to monitor whether it grows or not. My next check up will be next week, hopefully the doctor is right, there's nothing to be worried about and all is well.

But if I were on my friend's shoes, God forbid, I may choose the other way. I want to live. I want to be healthy and alive. Doctor can remove whatever it needs to be removed. And about the husband-to-be, I believe that if he loves me, he won't bother that I can have his children or not. A child can come from many ways.

About what Adam said earlier, I am an independent woman now. And I admit that I'm terrified of being alone. But now I want to see this from other perspective. If something bad happens, however it's gotta be happening for a reason. Maybe God wants me to change my purpose of life, my direction, or even my life. God always has a better plan. So I don't mind if that means I have to be alone in this life. I won't be terrified of it. Someone said that it's better to be alone rather than being in a bad company.

And it proves me that Mpok was right. I should choose my future husband wisely. I don't want a knight in shining armor. I don't want a prince to slay the dragons for me. I can slay the dragons by myself. I just want someone who will always be there. No matter what the future holds. In our rainy or shiny days, whether we're sicker or healthier, richer or poorer. Just being there, with me. Nothing more or less. Being there, or nothing at all.

Well, it's an emotional post. And very personal. I just need to write it down, clear up my mind. You don't have to read it or like it, okaaay?